I Wish I Had a Kill Switch

I wish I had a kill switch that I could flip at night. To get to sleep, I’ve usually got to be so exhausted I couldn’t possibly keep my eyes opened anymore. Otherwise, it seems like I stay awake no matter what I try (short of sleeping pills, which seem to work alright when I take them). Laying down, even when I’m pretty tired, usually translates into three or four hours of thinking, imagining, remembering, etc. instead of sleeping. Staying upright and wide-eyed eventually leads to the inevitable process of shutting completely down, but two problems arise from that approach: one is that if I do this night after night for any stretch of time, I need to stay up later and later in order to reach the point where my body forces itself into a black oblivion of sleep, and the other is that I seem to have just as much trouble turning myself “on” in the morning as I do turning myself “off” at night.

Warm milk, green tea, sleeping pills, meditative exercises (aimed toward sleep), marijuana, alcohol… you name it, I’ve probably tried it. The most effective little helpers I’ve used – beyond being lucky enough to be so exhausted at the end of the day I have no choice but to sleep – include: sleeping pills and alcohol (separately; I’ve never mixed them and never plan to). At this point, you might be wondering, “okay… well, what’s the point of this post?” Don’t worry, I’m right with you… wondering the same damn thing. I suppose my point, if it counts as a ‘point’, is that I wish I had a kill switch.


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