You ever find yourself totally stuck in web of uncertainty or indecisiveness? Stupid question because, well, who hasn’t. I find myself there all the time though, and was just there for the last few days. My views spiked, a bunch of new followers apparently liked what they saw when they came here, and I just didn’t know what to do with all of it. It’s like a high, and just like a high it’s always a little overwhelming when it’s stronger than what you’ve felt before, or when it’s been a while since you’ve felt it. Swirling around, not quie sure of what to do, and just kind of… fixed into place, first enjoying it and then… wondering when I’m going to move on from the spot I’m in.
Wondering “what next?” and not feeling sure about any particular answer. It kind of goes without saying that the indeciveness has been on my mind lately. But what I’m really working my way toward talking about is how we deal with it. Or really, how I deal with it. But hey, same difference. I do different things; depending on where I’m at, what I’m doing, what I feel uncertain about. This time around I set up another blog, one that you can’t read. One that I might delete.
I’m not sure if this “journal” blog was a good idea. I don’t know if I’ll use it or get rid of it… or what. If I want to just write without posting it where other people can read, there’s always microsoft word. It was just something to do to regain a sense of control, it was a way to deal with my uncertainty. That’s why I’ve got a blog, that’s why I’ve written a little fiction, and that’s why I believe in the things I do. Not uncertainty, but its opposite. Passion, enthusiasm, a liveliness I don’t always feel. When that feeling leaves me all I can do is try to find it again. It keeps life interesting… and if life isn’t at least interesting, fun, enjoyable, then there really is no point to it.
Where I’m going with this is the reason I write is the same reason anything in life even matters. Because I fucking like it. It’s just that simple. Everything is that simple. It’s a little something that makes me feel more alive. Anything that inspires that feeling is worth doing. It’s the reason I’ve thought about maybe, just maybe actually trying my hand at something longer than a few hundred words for each piece of fiction. If I ever write a book, that will be the reason. If anything else in life is worth doing, this will be the reason. Because it’s real, because I feel something for it. When the heart guides the hand, you can’t go wrong.
Speaking of which, you might have noticed there wasn’t a “shout out” post yesterday. I said I was going to start doing that weekly but honestly, my heart just isn’t in it. I think it’ll be better to just mention a site when and if I feel moved to. Besides, if I worked around a schedule, reliably, then I’d have to rethink the title of this site, and that would defeat the purpose of it as a reminder not to be to sane, to reasonable, or to stable. The freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want only seems to come with a little bit of madness. Playfulness. If I take the spontaneity out of it, I won’t enjoy myself nearly as much.
Plus there’s one thing I’m not going to do to myself. I’m not going to make writing here (or anywhere else) feel like an obligation. So… regularity and schedules be damned.