I’ve had a few blogs before the two I now write on. Along with them was a different name and, more than that, a different identity. I never wanted to share that part of myself with people I knew face to face. I never considered it an option. With what I’ve got going now though, here and with my fictional writings, I really don’t have to worry about keeping it firmly divided from the name friends and family know me by. I still do, but I don’t feel like I have to. The question I’d like to play around with for this post is… would I?
The answer is actually pretty obvious: definitely not. I’ve started building something with the possibility in mind that it could (just maybe) get big enough to launch an escape from the daily grind. Not today or tomorrow, or next month, or even next year, but sometime in the foreseeable future I’d like to be able to pull back (even if only a little) from the repetitive grind of every day life that comes with a job my heart isn’t all that into. I’d like to make some money too, but well above and beyond that I just want to have some lasting satisfaction out of what I do.
I don’t care what I do, just that I have a passion for it, and the art of writing has been whispering promises of that for a while now. All I know for sure though is that I need a way out of this fucking rat race and into something that doesn’t wear me down through each minute of the day and to that end, writing is the most viable thing I have come across (so far).
From day one here I’ve needed this – the blog, the writing – to be something I could go “public” with if I ever decide I want to. But until then I would just as soon keep it away from the scrutinizing eyes of people I know in person. I don’t care if you find out who I am or what my “real” name is. I don’t really mind if you find my Facebook profile and send me a friend request. But I don’t want people I live with or around knowing this name or reading this blog unless they have no idea it’s me.
There are certain aspects of myself (from my vices and actions to my thoughts and opinions) that don’t need to be outlined for my grandparents or my parents, brothers or sister, even now. I want to be able to say whatever I want without thinking about them every time I go to write something. I want to be able express how much I like cocaine if I feel like it, without announcing it to my grandparents. I want to feel free to be a bit of a sleaze so that, if it suits my fancy, I can say how awesome I think Teagan Presley is. I didn’t announce it to my parents every time I went to have a cigarette when I was a teenager for much the same reason.
It’s not shame. It’s just none of their business. The less they know about certain things, the more peace of mind they have and the less bullshit I have to listen to from them if they don’t like the things I say, do, or believe in. It’s not that I can’t deal with it, it’s that I simply don’t want to.
It helps, of course, that I’m not a total sleaze bag or a non-functional drug addict, but I think you get what I’m driving at. Or would you go visit your mother and have a nice long talk about how much you like doing ecstacy, and how much of a turn on bondage can be? Or what a great body Christy Mack has?
I doubt it, and I know I wouldn’t.
No, the way I look at it I already have enough trouble with doubts, second guessing and censoring myself, which is something you should never do as a blogger or a writer, imo. I don’t need any more excuses to hold back or restrain myself in writing (or blogging), especially if I can manage to get the essence of it across just right.
I’m okay with all of that stuff being public knowledge if this whole writing thing actually starts to go somewhere. Honestly, that’s a price I’ll gladly pay when and if that time comes, but until then I’d just as soon keep these between me and the rest of the world. Barring miraculous and sudden fame…
My anonymity is better left intact.
(Inspiration: A Lesson Learned – Keeping Your Own Counsel)