They say hatred takes a lot of energy. That’s bullshit. Not to get all new-agey or spiritualist on you, but if you think of the body as a vessel for your soul, a conduit or even manifestation of it, and you think of emotions as a functioning energy of that soul… It doesn’t take energy away. It is energy. I’m getting a little abstract here though, so let me lay it out for you in down-to-earth terms. You ever hate a person so much you want just want to hit that person in the face every time you see him? I have. You ever actually do it? I have. If you have, you know what it feels like. It feels good. Gratifying.
How can I get this across to you if you haven’t actually just clocked someone?
Generally speaking, people don’t hate someone intensely enough for it to be worth the consequences of direct action. Either that, or they’re to chickenshit for it. Believe me, I’ve been in both of those positions too (not motivated enough or not ballsy enough)… and as far as not being ballsy enough, well hey, no ones perfect. Anyways, let’s take a look at some of the more passive aggressive ways you can express your hatred for someone. Ever had a co-worker you hated? Or hell, even a fellow classmate when you were in school? That’s probably a yes on one or both of those questions.
Now, have you ever made a point of out-performing them to make them look bad? Maybe even actively sabotaged their own work, or done something else out of your spite? I bet you have. You might be ashamed of it for whatever reason, but I’ve seen a little to much of the way people behave to believe you haven’t done that, or else something like it. Change the context, the dynamics, and sooner or later you’ll probably think of a personal example you can reflect on. I’ll bet that even if you felt guilt afterwards, it felt good to knock the fucker down a peg or two.
That’s my first point: hate doesn’t take energy. Hate is energy.
As far as shame goes… you know, it’s really just a waste of everyone’s time. Especially yours. Here’s the overview: you did something and then felt bad because maybe they didn’t deserve it. Now, the problem: deserve has nothing to do with it. Neither does justification. Do you have any idea how well you can rationalize something if you set your mind to it? In my experience you can rationalize anything. So the way I see it, anything you say or do can also be torn down, spun against you (or against yourself, I should say, since we’re talking about private shame).
My solution is to stop worrying about all of that.
I mean fuck, it’s obviously meaningless. All it takes to feel justified is the right amount of cleverness. Craft yourself a good rationalization and you can make yourself feel better about anything. Rationalizing gets a bad wrap, but “justified” is just “acceptably rationalized”. I say stop rationalizing and just do what you feel driven to do. Follow your heart. After it’s done, move the fuck on. If you feel you’ve gone overboard, then knock off any continued acts of hatred. What you felt was expended and, right or wrong, the chips have fallen. Cue the next scene, turn the page, let the moment pass.
Made a mistake? Fine, you fucked up. The mistake itself is already made though.
Get over it and move on to the next potential mistake.
Now is about right now. And maybe right after. Not yesterday.
(Note: if you assault someone don’t blame that shit on me. I don’t care what I said or implied, or what I myself have done. Whatever you do is on you, so if you read this and suddenly wonder how satisfying it would be to deck someone out of spite… you probably shouldn’t, and I’m not responsible for it if you do.)