I’ve talked before about my apparent inability to ‘turn off’ at night, but there are some reasons occasionally at play that I didn’t really touch on at all. Underneath the surface, alone with my thoughts in the dead of night, my fear of being a nobody whispers in my ear. I have a few dreams I’m afraid of really admitting to myself, and a track record for doing great things… but doing them inconsistently. A great formula for killing dreams.
I once heard something in a movie that described it well: I tend to be an “over-achieving under-performer”. I don’t like responsibilities, expectations, or anything else of the like that makes me feel tied up or confined. It showed through a lot in high school; when I would do anything, the work would be exceptional. Above average, almost without fail.
The problem was that most of the time I didn’t feel motivated to do much. Homework is something I still don’t take seriously, and for most of high school I didn’t do any. Point being, I know I have some talent, I know I can write fairly well. I also know I can find something fulfilling and genuinely satisfying to do with my life, but the nerve-wracking part is I don’t know if I will.
It’s not the only thing, but sometimes that’s part of it, haunting me, chipping away at any hope I have.
“You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?”
I wonder what devils keep other people awake at night…