People pleasing seems to be a wide-spread disease… at least that’s one of the ways I think of it. I’m good at guessing what people want, things they want to hear or see, things they hope for… but the talent I have for that tends to obscure one very important fact. I don’t know what other people really want. It’s a guessing game. Good at it or not, I still just don’t know. Hell, a lot of the time I don’t even know what I want and it seems I can only write freely when I remember that, resign to it. That starts the cycle, builds confidence in the judgement calls I make.
It’s a frustrating cycle too because then I start making more and more judgements, playing to my strength until it becomes a weakness, a way of taking one wrong, unsatisfying turn after another. And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Satisfaction. A sense of fulfillment, pleasure, enjoyment. That really what everything is about. For all our high-minded ideals, we all just want to feel good don’t we… empowered. Accomplished. Whole. So I don’t know how it is that not knowing leads to this kind of certainty, but for whatever reason, it seems to.
People generally seem to pride themselves on being above animals. Our precious intellect, our intelligence, our self awareness. It makes a lot of them feel special. We’re not though. We’re just clever animals, and more often than not were to clever for our own good. I know that for myself my mind, my ability to reason and think, gets in the way of thriving more than anything else. What about that is really better? I used to believe in the value of my smarts, but… that was when I was just a kid. Truth is, the mind is no good when it eclipses and hinders baser instincts.
We are animals, little beasts like any other, and we are not special. The mind is only valuable when it serves our bestial instincts. Not when it is looked to as a substitute, or used as a way of “fixing” ourselves to better fit the societal or religious ideals we’re exposed to. A lot of us our taught to believe in those sooner or later, but the only thing you can truly believe in is yourself.
As you are.
Pardon the deep thoughts… I guess I’m in a reflective mood today.