Being in love is like being on fire. It’s not really something I’ve had a lot of positive experience in either. I was in love once… I guess you could say I still am. I still feel it, faintly, when I think of her. Despite my belief in the value of embracing life though, even the potential pains, it’s not a feeling I’m fond of. Last time I really felt it, viscerally, I ended up a complete wreck.
Everything I tried to write, do, or create…
All of it was a tangled up mess.
Chaotic and jagged feelings always seemed to bleed through and ruin what I was trying to do. I was more of a mess than I could see at the time. To much of what I did resembled the jagged edges of my heart. Or what was left of it. It wasn’t her fault either, it’s just that I hate how broken I was. In the beginning I liked it, even when it hurt. But it wasn’t long before I lost myself.
The love was a fire, and evidence of the burning spread everywhere.
I’m not stranger to self-destruction, but when it’s just not going to work out between two people, love is the most pointless, ugly experience. I think it’s far more beautiful to stagger home drunk, rage at a party, do a few lines of coke, enjoy the company of others (good and bad)… Far more a sight for sore eyes than a wreck that doesn’t know what to do with himself, doesn’t know what to feel anymore, doesn’t know how to express anything clearly at all…
The ashes of it tainted my thoughts and feelings, even when the flame itself was at its weakest.
It’s not a feeling I want to be in the grips of again. Not any time soon.
What I had was half a proper picture, the other half was just illusion.
I hate having deceived myself like that. In many ways, I can honestly say… I hate love. I don’t want to fall again, not like that. If it happens again it needs to be totally mutual, reciprocated, meaningful… an inspiration. It can’t dominate the landscape of my thoughts. I don’t mind being on a whirlwind of destruction, but I can’t stand not knowing what to do, how to be, or where to go.
This, coming from a guy who preaches that all emotion should be embraced with open arms.
What can I say? Sometimes I’m just an unapolgetic hypocrite.