Love Is A Fire

Being in love is like being on fire. It’s not really something I’ve had a lot of positive experience in either. I was in love once… I guess you could say I still am. I still feel it, faintly, when I think of her. Despite my belief in the value of embracing life though, even the potential pains, it’s not a feeling I’m fond of. Last time I really felt it, viscerally, I ended up a complete wreck.

Everything I tried to write, do, or create…

All of it was a tangled up mess.

Chaotic and jagged feelings always seemed to bleed through and ruin what I was trying to do. I was more of a mess than I could see at the time. To much of what I did resembled the jagged edges of my heart. Or what was left of it. It wasn’t her fault either, it’s just that I hate how broken I was. In the beginning I liked it, even when it hurt. But it wasn’t long before I lost myself.

The love was a fire, and evidence of the burning spread everywhere.

I’m not stranger to self-destruction, but when it’s just not going to work out between two people, love is the most pointless, ugly experience. I think it’s far more beautiful to stagger home drunk, rage at a party, do a few lines of coke, enjoy the company of others (good and bad)… Far more a sight for sore eyes than a wreck that doesn’t know what to do with himself, doesn’t know what to feel anymore, doesn’t know how to express anything clearly at all…

The ashes of it tainted my thoughts and feelings, even when the flame itself was at its weakest.

It’s not a feeling I want to be in the grips of again. Not any time soon.

What I had was half a proper picture, the other half was just illusion.

I hate having deceived myself like that. In many ways, I can honestly say… I hate love. I don’t want to fall again, not like that. If it happens again it needs to be totally mutual, reciprocated, meaningful… an inspiration. It can’t dominate the landscape of my thoughts. I don’t mind being on a whirlwind of destruction, but I can’t stand not knowing what to do, how to be, or where to go.

This, coming from a guy who preaches that all emotion should be embraced with open arms.

*shrugs*

What can I say? Sometimes I’m just an unapolgetic hypocrite.

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6 thoughts on “Love Is A Fire

  1. Great post. I fell in love only once as well. I fell in love with a man incapable of loving me, or any woman, back. We were good friends and the day I made a choice that would lead me to longer be in his life, I died a little inside. Took me a long time to bring that flame down to an ember. I see him around every now and then, and the memory of how i felt is bittersweet indeed.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The bummer of it is she’s capable of loving, just not of loving *me* haha. I still run into her from time to time to since we live near each other (same small town) but we were still friends when we sort of fell out of touch with each other so it’s only a little uncomfortable. Bittersweet is exactly the way I’d describe it…. in any case, thanks for reading 🙂 , glad you liked it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Joan Crawford

    “Love is fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.”

    Not trying to rub it in at all, but my love has been for a lifetime. I can’t begin to imagine the pain if I lost her, but I can totally feel for those who have loved and lost. Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well you never know, barring anything lethal and unexpected happening to me I guess I’ve still got quite a bit of life to live. If I fall for someone ike that again, maybe I’ll handle it better, whichever way it goes. It’s not something I ever really looked for, probably never will, but I know how to reach out and grab for it if love like that ever comes my way again. No worries about rubbing it in though haha 😉 , the happiness of others rarely bums me out.

      Like

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