Spectator Sports

Being a fan sucks sometimes. It’s not that people don’t deserve the appreciation I feel for their work. It’s not that I secretly hate them. It’s not that they don’t deserve my respect. The thing about loving someone else’s work though is how easy it is to get absorbed in it. Enraptured and obsessed. Waiting for the next piece of a puzzle, the latest single, the newest book. Thinking about it more and more as time moves toward a release date. It pisses me off because fuck, what about my work? What about my stories, my posts, my claim to recognition? How the fuck am I supposed to spend any time on that when I’m so caught up in the art of other people? It’s not something I hold against artists I’m a fan of.

No, it’s not them, it’s me. It’s that feeling of being in awe, vicariously proud, wowed. It’s distracting as all hell and I can’t stand it. See, the thing about me is I’ve got no dicipline. And honestly I don’t really want any. Used to put a lot of stock in things like that but it just feels so constricting, so stiff, so… oppressive to keep myself ‘in line’ I’m as good at it as I am with anything I genuinely apply myself to but I never really took to it. Never liked it. That’s another thing to. I have a hard time applying myself and I wish it was easier. I guess nothing of value is truly “easy” but goddamnit. There’s also the issue touched on in that Charlie Sheen quote I posted here the other day…

They really don’t teach kids how to deal with success… it’s just something you either pick up on your own or you don’t pick it up at all. Failure is easy though. Failure is inevitable. I read somewhere that successful people only remain successful because they know how to deal with success. Whoever said that hit the nail on the head. That’s something I’m not really all that great at, at least not yet. Like with the blog. I’ve got to where I believed I could with over 2,000 followers. Now I feel adrift. I’ve made it that far, but in the grand shceme of things it’s really not that far. I need a “next”. I need a sense of that being over. Of me having nothing. Being nobody. Of course…

I don’t know why that’s so hard to come by for me.

After all, I am nobody, coming from nothing, writing from it.


4 thoughts on “Spectator Sports

    • Maybe so 🙂 , you know that quote that goes around though, about it being better to write for yourself and have no public than to write for the public and have no self? Well, I’ve never quite agreed with it but I do think it helps to forget there *is* a public sometimes. In that sense, even if I’m not nobody, I pretend to be.

      “Art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth.” – Pablo Picasso

      The way I look at it, sometimes those lies are the ones we tell ourselves 😀 .

      Liked by 1 person

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