Dead is Better?

When someone says “sometimes dead is better” I’m the kind of person that might respond with “well, maybe you should go be dead then.” Does that make me an asshole? Maybe. It’s really the sort of thing that gets on my nerves though. The kind of compassionate outpouring you see when people like Robin Williams commit suicide is just… it’s ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong either, I was bummed to hear he offed himself. But there are a few factors that make it more acceptable to me in his case, and a number of reasons I generally don’t give a shit about your average run of the mill suicide. I’ll hit on what makes it more acceptable to me first. Decades of depression, decades of success.

Of laughter, art, acting, comedy, and money. That’s a lot of what people are going to remember. He may have struggled his entire life, but even though I see suicide as a bitch out, a choice made out of weakness, his whole life leading up to it is a testament of strength. And when you get right down to it, the simplest and most clinical description of suicide is “exit strategy”. Top off his accomplishments and depression with the Parkinson’s diagnosis, and he had more right than most to take his own life.

That’s not to say anyone else has less of a right to it.

What you do with yourself is up to you as far as I’m concerned, but unless you’ve got a hell of a story to cap off with an abrupt, suicidal, and decisive ending I don’t find it to be acceptable. And I don’t get people who think it is. Unless you’ve got a decade or more of great success, it goes beyond a lack of sympathy. Without that, not only do I not feel compassion, I look down on your decision. I could’ve been right there with any of those sad fuckers were it not for my own choice not to be. The only reason I never killed myself years ago is because I’m stubborn. I don’t look down on it the same way I used to but I’m also not about to sympathize with someone who just gives up like that.

You’re going to be dead someday anyways. If you haven’t done anything with your life then why end it so soon. It’s only pain. Suck it up and stop being such a little bitch about it. You think the quality of my current life would suck that hard line right out of me since things are pretty good these days but… I didn’t always have it so easy and even now that I do, that doesn’t mean the thought of suicide is any less a comfort sometimes. None of this means anything. I mean just think… Williams had a relatively huge impact. But he’ll be forgotten in a few decades, a century, except as a famous comedian. That’s all. And the rest?

The people who’ve made only the smallest of impacts? I don’t know their names now, probably never will. Neither do you. They’ll be forgotten within a year of dying. Even if they weren’t though… let’s say you leave a mark the size of an emperor. So what? In the grand scheme of things what do I care about the human race or where it ends up? Will it even survive long enough to decide if it cares about any of the names in history? Give it a million years and even a massive impact won’t mean a goddamn thing. All I have is now, how far I can reach into the present world and how far into the future, and it doesn’t always feel like enough. There’s just no real point to doing anything. I mean fuck, for what???

So even now I think about the end. It scares me sometimes, and so does the end of the few people I’m close to. I don’t like the idea of life beyond the one I currently know, without these people. But it’s coming, closer and closer every day. When that day comes I might just off myself, except for the same reason: there’s no real reason to. I’m going to die anyways some day. I live this life like a dream a lot of the time because of that, because of the end that’s coming for me. I don’t know if dead is better, but I’m not betting my life on it. This is what we have. You want to throw it away then be my guest.

I will not.

Not until I’m absolutely convinced there’s nothing left to unearth in this life that might give me a reason to live. I’ve got a nihilistic outlook and a gaping despair to match any of yours, with plenty of self loathing to top it off, but I guess I’m just hopeful too. Or maybe stubborn. Either way… This life sucks a lot sometimes, but I’m not done with it yet. I’ve got a long way before I decide I’m finished.

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