If I were to write, oh, say ten novels and two of them got me international recognition, I wouldn’t later say, “well, I’ll write another one if I feel like it but I honestly don’t know for sure if I’ll ever actually do it.” Just… fucking really? To me saying that would be true at any stage, on some level. I don’t know if or when I’ll ever write another post here. I like that freedom. That sense of no obligations, no accountability, no chains. But just beneath that I know something else. I know full well that I’m going to write another post. Another piece of fiction on my other site.
I don’t know when or even if I’ll write anything again, ever, but actually… I damn well do know I will. I like it too much. I need it. I like the writing itself, I like the attention, the fact that people generally seem to feel their time is well spent when they read what I’ve written. If I can actually make this into career… I’d risk losing that career, sure. You can’t do what you really believe in doing, what someone else can look at and believe it, if you’re worrying about breaking any of the bullshit rules out there.
At the same time though, and this is the crux of it, the heart of my disagreement with Fiona Apple. I wouldn’t give that kind of career up for anything in the world. Why go back to doing something that just chips away at my soul with nothing to show for it each day when I could be doing something I love? So what if I run on empty sometimes and have nothing to say. I wait, and I rage and want for something to say. Want it so bad that finally it comes to me.
Lack of inspiration is the source of a lot of doubts but… when it comes right down to it, it’s just another thing in my way, another thing to be dealt with. The same way you deal with rules that tell you “nope, that’s not allowed” when you simply must do what you’ve decided on whether it’s allowed or not. I don’t accept that the natural process – bursting with creative or dazzling ideas, then petering out, then starting over again once you’ve found something else to set you on fire – is a reasonable justification for dropping off the map. Certainly not after making a definitive mark of your own on it.
If I ever achieve that…
Would I throw it away? Not fucking likely.