Suicide is Just an Exit Strategy

I think about buying a gun sometimes. Not for any suicidal reason of course – I happen to be in fairly extreme favor of the 2nd amendment. But I also imagine killing myself sometimes and some of those imaginings inevitably feature a gun. And no, it’s not because I’m suicidal. I just find life to be a very… tasteless thing sometimes. Repetitive. Boring. See, I don’t think about it in the sense that I really want to kill myself. Just in the sense that I could. That there’s no real reason not to. That goes both ways though; there’s no real reason to eat a bullet or jump off a building either. Not really.

There’s this quote from Steven Weinberg I came across a long time ago that stuck in my mind, that “the more the universe seems comprehensible, the more it seems pointless”. The same is kind of true of life. And I think even if I could look back thirty years from now at a successful, well-lived life full of happiness, I would still think about suicide.

It’s just an exit strategy. Not really more or less than that. When Robin Williams decided to off himself I thought a lot about where I stand on it these days, and that’s pretty much it. There was a time I looked down on it. If you killed yourself I knew I was better than you, stronger. With the typical bully inspired teen suicide, I still believe that. Having a hard time? Reality turn out to be a little harsh? Suck it up bitch. This is life; it can be hard, it can be painful, it can be meaningless, and… if you walk out the exit then fine, but don’t expect any tears from me.

Don’t expect any “human compassion”. More like good riddance, and don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. Maybe I became too much like the people I hated (once upon a time), to be able to say that. But you know what? I’m fine with that. I thought about suicide a lot at certain times in my life, especially in my teens, and I’m still here. Fuck anybody that isn’t. It’s not something I have contempt for anymore, but I also just don’t care. All these people are to me, these suicides, are people who couldn’t hack it. They saw a piece of reality they couldn’t handle.

Then they jumped ship.

I’ve got little more than a shrug for their deaths.

…to be continued? Maybe. I’ve got plenty more to say about suicide, my outlook on the world, and how the two can intersect. I think I’ll just leave it at that for now though. I imagine this might be taken as one of my more controversial posts, but if that’s the case then so be it. You don’t have to like my opinions, but here they are and here they’ll stay.

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10 thoughts on “Suicide is Just an Exit Strategy

  1. I am more than certain that every human being has thought about offing themselves. Specially in teenage years. I know I did… Funny how the mind works when you think you can’t take it anymore. I never even thought of a gun though. it was always either pills, the breadknife I was buttering my sandwich with or jumping in front of a truck.
    Now that I’ve written it out, I think it’s hilarious… ( I know it’s not a laughing matter, but life can really be a Debbie Downer and sometimes you just gotta laugh)
    Why I never went ahead with it was a simple fact- I wanted to know what the future held. I still do. The curiosity. And no matter how awfully hard things are, I am able to brush it off because I know for a fact that things are never THAT bad. I have this stubborn thinking that no one and nothing will be able to win over me. I was given this one shot in life, along with each every good person and along with every idiotic a-hole, so the latter will definitely not win over me. And I intend to use it, life, .. to the best of my abilities… or I will mess it up big time. Either way, I know I used the chance. And emotional pain… well, it’s just that… it hurts so bad you think you may go blind from it, but in a sick(?) kind of way it’s also a part of life. An experience.

    I always wondered though, what goes on in the minds of people as they are about to go ahead and end it all. I know people who commit suicide are often called weak, I’ve heard them being called strong (as in, it takes a lot of balls to go through with it. Maybe?) and I’ve heard them being called selfish in the sense of not considering their families and loved ones. There are always a lot of questions in the air after suicide.

    Is it really just down to the chemical set of a human’s brain that just… conks out and makes them do the unthinkable? Is it just like a power surge that messed up our whole take on things? Do people go literally crazy just before they take their life?
    Then again.. there’s euthanasia… but that’s a whole different matter…

    apologies for dragging it into a bloody novel here… definitely interested in reading more of your thoughts on this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know what goes on in my mind when I entertain the possibility. Not that I want it all to end, but that there’s no point to going on. It’s not even about pain and wanting to get away from it… it might have been at some point, in the past, but nowadays it’s the emptiness. The disinterest in “what comes next”.

      All to often I feel like I have to comprehensive a handle on what the world is, how it works, that none of it has a real purpose except this strange drive to perpetuate itself. The will to power, to live, to survive… passion, desire, dreams… there’s no real reason for all of it. I don’t know why I want. I simply want and I’ll *never* really know why. That is maybe the most comfort to me. A little piece of truth. That and feelings of the moment, emotions, relationships… they keep a person from reflecting to much. They make it seem as if there is meaning. And the paradox is, there *is* meaning. Whatever meaning we decide to give life, that’s the meaning it has. But acknowledging that means all the weight for creating purpose rests on the shoulders of the individual. On me. And I get tired, tired of being the prime creative force.

      In a sense I am the only god I have ever known, and it’s a draining endeavor to do all the work of god, all the thinking, all the deciding that so many other people leave to some imaginary “higher power”, or more commonly that they leave to agents of that higher power – churches and what not.

      “Why I never went ahead with it was a simple fact- I wanted to know what the future held. I still do. The curiosity.”

      I think I understand that, but in my case I think it’s almost always been a point of pride. Stubbornness. I don’t know that I believe the hurt ever stops, or the hardships. Whatever the future holds, I feel absolutely sure it holds that too.

      That’s kind of why I have zero aversion to the idea of it these days. I have a sense of curiosity and optimism enough to be worth mentioning, but it comes and goes. More often than not it seems like life holds very little mystery, and the refuge I get from that, from transitory ambitions and desires, the satisfaction I get from achieving or realizing them, always seems horribly, viciously brief. Especially in retrospect, in reflection. In the moment it’s not so bad, when I’m immersed in my dreams and the attempts to bring them to life. But even then that knowledge of it’s inevitable ending, and the return to bleakness, boredom, despair… is always at the back of my mind.

      Don’t get me wrong either, I’m not complaining. This is simply life as far as I’m concerned, and it has it’s ups and downs. I don’t really loathe the low points. That’s all just to say, I get how someone like Robin Williams would check out. There are probably a lot of people like that out there, but he didn’t exit the stage until he’d made an impact on the world. Did what he wanted. Brought his dreams into reality in a massive way. Became an icon. I have a lot of respect for that and can’t quite seem to begrudge him (or anyone like him) the decision to bring his story to an end finally. Not the way I used to.

      “I know people who commit suicide are often called weak, I’ve heard them being called strong (as in, it takes a lot of balls to go through with it. Maybe?) and I’ve heard them being called selfish in the sense of not considering their families and loved ones. There are always a lot of questions in the air after suicide.”

      My own personal take? Weakness or strength isn’t really much of a factor in the act itself, imho. I think how strong they were is reflected in the life they lived before that. How much life chipped away at their spirit, how much of that chipping away they felt or were aware of, and what they managed to do before deciding there was no point to doing it anymore.

      The accusation of being selfish is definitely a popular line. I don’t know that I agree with it, but then I guess it depends on the circumstances, the motivation, things like that. More than anything I think is mechanism people use to soothe themselves. The suicides that weren’t just pandering for attention, they probably held on for longer than they wanted to. How much care for their family and friends must that take. Could very well be in a lot of them that they only kept going through the motions as long as they did because they were not, in fact, very selfish.

      And of course none of this even touched on the ones that don’t really want to die, that attempt it half-heartedly, that want family or friends to throw them a big pity party. I don’t have much to say on that category except… I do not like them.

      More than anything though I think people wonder and question, they come up with possible reasons or cling to their notions of why someone close to them committed suicide, as a coping mechanism. There are no real answers though. No real reason. Juxtaposing their own baggage onto the suicide is just a way of dealing with it, nuthin’ more.

      lol and here you were apologizing for the length of your comment… I definitely went on a lot longer then I meant to. But yeah, I think most of the reason I’ve never done it, probably won’t ever do it, comes down to stubbornness and pride. Curiosity plays more of an occasional role for me, I think.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Tongue in cheek- I hate that you’re always right! 😀
        Joking aside, what you said though is true, all of it.
        Thanks for the lengthy feedback… Some serious food for thought…

        Liked by 1 person

    • I think for me it’s less about people seeing me quit and more about me feeling that all said and done, that’s the only sensible thing to do. It grates against something deep in me, something that simply *must* defy whatever it is that seems to be providing me with that kind of imposition over me. When it comes to suicide I guess you could say that me not doing it is, in a way, my defiant response to the nature of life, existence., I get where you’re coming from though, for sure 😉 . It’s that same kind of denial of satisfaction to… something or someone, it’s just the way I look at it makes it more abstract.

      Like

  2. I think it takes a lot of courage to admit what you just have. When I was suicidal last year, I thought of suicide as being very brave. I still think that anyone who would override their natural instinct to fight for life is pretty brave… as crazy as that may sound. Still, those of us who are still here, who fought with every fucking fiber of our being to keep on trucking are the strong ones.

    I wish you the best and I hope for your healing. It’s rough sometimes, but you know you’re strong. You’ve got this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I suppose it does… I hadn’t really thought about it, to be honest. I find that’s the best way to get a thing done (or said). Do it before I get a chance to think about it too much, or after I’ve thought about it far too much haha.

      The kind words aren’t necessary, but I do appreciate them 🙂 .

      Liked by 1 person

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