I think about buying a gun sometimes. Not for any suicidal reason of course – I happen to be in fairly extreme favor of the 2nd amendment. But I also imagine killing myself sometimes and some of those imaginings inevitably feature a gun. And no, it’s not because I’m suicidal. I just find life to be a very… tasteless thing sometimes. Repetitive. Boring. See, I don’t think about it in the sense that I really want to kill myself. Just in the sense that I could. That there’s no real reason not to. That goes both ways though; there’s no real reason to eat a bullet or jump off a building either. Not really.
There’s this quote from Steven Weinberg I came across a long time ago that stuck in my mind, that “the more the universe seems comprehensible, the more it seems pointless”. The same is kind of true of life. And I think even if I could look back thirty years from now at a successful, well-lived life full of happiness, I would still think about suicide.
It’s just an exit strategy. Not really more or less than that. When Robin Williams decided to off himself I thought a lot about where I stand on it these days, and that’s pretty much it. There was a time I looked down on it. If you killed yourself I knew I was better than you, stronger. With the typical bully inspired teen suicide, I still believe that. Having a hard time? Reality turn out to be a little harsh? Suck it up bitch. This is life; it can be hard, it can be painful, it can be meaningless, and… if you walk out the exit then fine, but don’t expect any tears from me.
Don’t expect any “human compassion”. More like good riddance, and don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. Maybe I became too much like the people I hated (once upon a time), to be able to say that. But you know what? I’m fine with that. I thought about suicide a lot at certain times in my life, especially in my teens, and I’m still here. Fuck anybody that isn’t. It’s not something I have contempt for anymore, but I also just don’t care. All these people are to me, these suicides, are people who couldn’t hack it. They saw a piece of reality they couldn’t handle.
Then they jumped ship.
I’ve got little more than a shrug for their deaths.
…to be continued? Maybe. I’ve got plenty more to say about suicide, my outlook on the world, and how the two can intersect. I think I’ll just leave it at that for now though. I imagine this might be taken as one of my more controversial posts, but if that’s the case then so be it. You don’t have to like my opinions, but here they are and here they’ll stay.