Watching Porn is…. Cheating?

Pornography

Talking with a friend from high school, we somehow ended up on the subject of porn and her opinion, all said and done, really had me wondering about what women generally think about their boyfriends, fiances, and husbands watching pornographic stuff. She thinks of it as a form of cheating and honestly, that just blew my mind. I mean we’re talking about a computer screen, about magazines and pictures, about simple physical pleasure, and no real intimacy with another person. It’s just sexual which isn’t, in itself, anything but a bodily pleasure.

That could be taken the wrong way, used a way of justifying actual cheating, but that’s not what I mean. With sexual physical contact with another woman there’s actual interaction between the cheater and the woman he’s indulging with. There’s at the very least a potential for real intimacy. That’s not the case with a guy looking at nude pics or an internet video. Professionals make a product and put it out there for people to watch, they have no direct interaction with those people. And as a viewer, the guy in question (or the woman, since women do watch porn too) has no interaction with the person (or people) in the pornography.

stock-photo-pornography-adult-xxx-content-as-grunge-abstract-51360016

If I watch a video of Christy Mack fucking some guy in a mechanic shop, she doesn’t know who the hell I am, doesn’t encourage me. She’s “there” for money, fame, and a certain brand of admiration. In every way that counts I don’t exist for her in her life, and it’s kind of the same way when you look at it from the other side. It’s just porn, a piece of art which, granted, some people think of as obscene, but it’s art all the same. Someone created it, and it illicits a reaction from its audience. That’s really all it is at the end of the day and while that’s no small thing (I consider art to be pretty important), indulging in it, being a member of the audience, in no way constitutes cheating.

It’s certainly not anything for your girlfriend or wife to get bent out of shape over.

That being such a big deal to some women kind of speaks more to insecurity than anything else, doesn’t it? It sure seems that way to me, and while I can sympathize with insecurity I don’t think it justifies unreasonable behavior or illogical standards (e.g. “if you watch porn we’re over”).

I might even go as far as to say that if the guy in the relationship is worth a damn he’ll have the balls and the respect for whoever he’s with to call her on it. And it’s less common but it goes both ways too. I’m sure somewhere, in some small corner of the world, a few guys feel the same way as my friend and expect the women they’re with to never watch porn or imagine another guy when she’s playing with herself, and I don’t think that’s rational, reasonable, or sane.

Kegney_LinnI’ve met plenty of other women that feel the same way I do, or at least accept the same reality I see, in fact that’s what I’m used to and that’s one of the reasons I was so baffled by the way my friend looks at it. It doesn’t seem like a common outlook to have, and in my opinion it shouldn’t be.

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11 thoughts on “Watching Porn is…. Cheating?

      • No, not at all, a very interesting article. Pornography can add a spark to a stale routine for men and women and does not threaten the relationship (I’m not talking about obsessive addiction now, :-)) If it is threatening to one partner or the other, there is a deeper problem.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Cheating is subjective, though. It’s a conversation couples should have right along with the money talk when things are getting serious, because everybody’s definition of cheating is different. Some people’s limits are porn, some are sexual contact, some are casual contact–the list is endless.

    And I don’t thing any standards are illogical when it comes to this. Some set smoking or drinking as a deal breaker, and cheating can be much more traumatic.

    Liked by 1 person

    • True. I wrote this the other day and talked with her again since then, and that’s pretty much the understanding of it I arrived at. The way I look at it, its one of those things that (like you say) is a conversation every couple should have. To me, ultimately, even if there’s not agreement between two people on what constitutes cheating, there’s at least a clear understanding and consequently there’s the need for compromise.

      To give the example I gave her, if I was in that position and with someone like her, I think it would be up to me to decide whether I was willing to go by her standard of cheating. Me agreeing that it’s cheating wouldn’t have anything to do with it, because with her opinion made clear I’d know that in her mind it *is*. Put another way… I still don’t agree with it, but I don’t have to, I just have to acknowledge that she looks at it that way.

      Still, I do think it;s illogical. Unreasonable. There’s no good, rational reason for the position of “watching porn is cheating” as far as I can tell, but I *can* acknowledge that’s the way some people feel, and completely understand that someone who feels that way would want their opinion to be respected and abided by if their relationship was going to continue. Now… that’s not to say I would.

      It’s funny that you mention the smoking and drinking too, ’cause that also applies to her. Those are deal-breakers. lol So I would *never* have a shot with her; I happen to like porn, I smoke, I drink from time to time, sometimes heavily, and I can be a straight up drug fiend. I don’t do it very often these days but as an example, I love cocaine. Love it. A lot of things she doesn’t like, I consider to be a great deal of fun when I’ve got the time and cash to spare for it (and assuming I *feel* like it, ’cause sometimes I just don’t).

      Point being though, I get what you’re saying 😉 . And actually, in the end, agree with her that if someone’s not willing to compromise (since that’s the way she feels) then I guess it kind of makes sense for her not to get or be involved with them. I don’t think it’s makes much sense to have that kind of a standard (or to expect people you already love to change fundamental parts of themselves and/or significant sources of enjoyment in life), but I can acknowledge and refrain from mocking it (which might be a way of saying I can respect it… lol I’m sorry, I can be kind of a dick I guess, but yeah).

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      • No drinking I can understand; look at all the alcoholics and children of alcoholics and exes of alcoholics who just want to get away from the stuff. That’s cool. But I’ve known *so many* secret smokers. Like, smoke outside and brush your teeth, problem solved. Let a person smoke! And that saying, ‘kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray’; I’m a smoker married to a smoker, and I’ll agree to that–but it isn’t a big deal. Ugh, people.

        Anyway, I think most of the people who view porn as cheating are the same type of people who would fully support chastity belts if they were still in vogue. But they also conflate openness and honesty, which are both excellent things for a relationship, but only when they go both ways. The two have become so intertwined with fidelity that when someone wants a minute alone to wank to some nudie pics, it gets blown waaay out of proportion. But openness and honesty and fidelity are not two (three?) sides of the same coin. They have their differences, some subtle, some not so much. But when they’re assumed to be analogous, that’s generally a recipe for hypocrisy. I find that most of the time, someone who objects to porn goes to the office and giggles with the girls about the boss’s cute butt. And that’s what’s illogical and unreasonable.

        Good response.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I think it’s when the porn is more desirable than the girlfriend or wife- that’s when it’s a problem. Otherwise, I think it’s an outlet (as long as it’s actual consensual recording that’s put up with consent etc) for people. Not everyone’s sexual drives are the same, you know?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exactly. I kind of think if pron were more desirable than someone your in a relationship with… well, that seems like a symptom of a bigger problem. Maybe not the best match up if that were the case. That’s one of the things I had tried to get across to her, that it’s not “porn vs. her”, it’s just a recreational and relatively harmless outlet.

      “(as long as it’s actual consensual recording that’s put up with consent etc)”

      Most definitely. That should always go without saying 🙂 .

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I don’t see why it matters, it’s not like they feel anything towards the people in the porn and it’s better than them constantly expecting stuff from their partner.
    (Unless it’s like child porn or torture porn, that’s just messed up)…. also, a lot of the girls I know (including ones in relationships) actually watch more porn than my guy friends….

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s pretty much what I thought 🙂 . I think it makes sense to go to your partner first if you want to fool around and maybe try something new, but if they’re not in the mood anyways I don’t see anything wrong with porn. And the girls you know, haha, that’s one thing I was trying to tell her, it’s not just guys. She didn’t want to budge though and I’m not trying to convince her anyways, I was just listening and offering my own thoughts.

      Liked by 1 person

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