Everything in life for a normal person is a mathematical equation. How much of x can I get away with before I come up short and have to take care of y again? Can I keep it together, make it work so it all comes out even? Can I go to the bar tonight and tomorrow night after work? What about the next day or the middle of the week? Or will I have to write that off, too much money, too much of a negative impact on my boring ass, piece of shit job that I hate? Maybe it’s all like that though.
The famous work with higher numbers, different formulas, and so do the filthy rich fuckers who live in relative obscurity. But maybe most people, even them, are just trying to make sure they come out even at the end of the day. That’s pretty sad though. I mean if you think about it, if that’s all we’re doing then what’s the fucking point? I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before on this blog but I’ll say it again just to be clear on what I think of that… I fucking hate math. I’m great at it when I apply myself to it, when I can force myself to bother with solving the problems and equations.
But I don’t enjoy it.
Math is nice too because ultimately, no matter how complex it seems, it’s all fairly simple. Understand a formula, learn what the aim of it is, what it’s used for, and you can apply it reliably. The thing of it is though, I’m not a reliable person. I don’t find other people to be all that reliable either. The people I admire or respect aren’t necessarily reliable and if they are, that’s not the reason behind my respect for them. Not usually. I hate all of that. I want something that’s ironically even simpler than all of that. I want desires and acting on those desires.
I want one direction, something that light’s me on fire on the inside.
Switching up isn’t out of the question, but you know…
Instead of juggling this thing and that thing, more than half of which none of us really want to deal with at all, why not have an urge, a fantasy, an idea, and just fucking go with it all out to a finish? Balls to the wall, ’till you collapse. If you get tired of it, or bored, you can do something else.
The focus being singular or very nearly so. Why not that instead of this bullshit multi-tasking that everyone thinks makes them so fucking special, but that actually proves just how normal, diluted and watered down their lives are. I read about that here and there you know, about how “I’m such a bad ass because I can do this, that, and a few other things all at once, aren’t I just so goddamned clever”… Newsflash, everybody does that. It’s not impressive.
Watering ourselves down and splitting our focus on dozens of things.
Most of which doesn’t make us feel alive at all.
That’s math right there all right. Cold, clinical, lifeless fucking math.
That’s most people’s lives, and mine too. The only difference I can claim I guess is that I know full well how I feel about that. I know I want to stop solving problems and puzzling out bullshit little equations just to get by in life. If I do that kind of integrated into every day life type of math I’d much prefer to do it for amusement. Cause really, I do like them sometimes. As puzzles, as challenges, as games. But that’s what I want it to be. Not a necessity of living.
It has a place but only as a means to an end, as a tool.
The ends are determined by the heart though, and if you ask me logic and reason play way to much of a role in the average life for my tastes. All seems so silly thinking on it though, this little tangent. *shrugs* When you’ve been up all through the night and you’ve got to go to work in a few hours this sort of thing is bound to happen, every now and then. Hopefully it made some sense.
If not, well…
C’est la vie.